The problem of alcoholism in families is very common in many countries. According to statistics, one in three women faces alcoholism in her husband, it turns out that in 30% of our families there is an alcoholic - this figure is scary. At the same time, the husband's alcohol abuse has a detrimental effect on the entire family, and a large number of these families are already becoming a social problem. Families in which a man drinks are more likely to become socially disadvantaged, and children in these families suffer as a result. Let's try to figure out why my husband drinks and what to do about it.
The main reasons why a husband starts drinking
First of all, it is worth distinguishing between everyday drunkenness and alcoholism. The first is drinking alcohol for pleasure, the second is addiction. However, by drinking for pleasure, a drinker has a high chance of becoming an alcoholic over time. The reasons why a husband starts drinking are as follows:
- Fun. Many people start drinking alcohol at parties, in company, out of mood. A beer on a picnic in the summer, a glass of champagne on New Year's Eve or a cocktail or two in a bar on the weekend - it would seem that there is nothing wrong with that.
- Traditions. Men in our country grow up in a culture of constant drinking: it is customary to drink during holidays, if something important happens the first thing to do is get drunk, and people in company are wary of those who do not drink.
- Communication. Drinking helps you bond with the team, relax and feel more confident. Many men find it difficult to meet a girl without alcohol; in this way they overcome shyness.
- Fatigue. In the post-Soviet space it is not customary to turn to a psychologist, and culture imposes on a man the image of a brutal, masculine male who has no psychological problems and does not share his experiences. Men are often emotional and sensitive, but they are forced to hide their feelings and drinking becomes the only way to deal with stress. This is a common reason for the onset and development of alcoholism.
How to understand that your husband has become an alcoholic: the main signs
Many men drink alcohol occasionally, for example during holidays. It happens that they exaggerate. When should you start worrying? This question is often asked to psychologists by the wives of these men. Only a doctor can make a diagnosis of alcoholism. There are warning signs, when they appear it is time to act.
Regular use
If a man drinks not occasionally, but often and regularly, for example on weekends, this is already a cause for concern. If your husband drinks every day, even a little, it is a sign of addiction. It is also important which drinks he drinks and in what quantities. Two liters of beer every evening is a lot.
Alcohol tolerance and withdrawal symptoms
Alcohol is toxic to the body. The first cases of use cause severe intoxication, dizziness, nausea and vomiting. People call it "not knowing how to drink. "Over time, tolerance, that is, resistance to alcohol, increases and a man can drink more. This is how withdrawal or hangover symptoms appear: Feeling sick the next morning. In the final stages of alcoholism, alcohol tolerance decreases again: to get drunk, a small amount of alcohol is enough, literally "sniffing the cork". And the withdrawal syndrome becomes pronounced and painful, there is a strong craving for alcohol and the desire to have a hangover - drink a little to relieve the pain. The habit of a hangover becomes a kind of transition point, after which severe alcoholism can develop.
The appearance of binge eating
Binge eating is the continuous use of alcohol for several days (3 or more). At the same time, the drinking husband enters a special cycle of drinking: every morning he feels bad, has a hangover, then drinks during the day and becomes very drunk again, and the next morning he feels bad again and everything repeats again. With prolonged use of alcohol, mental disorders appear, for example, alcoholic delirium - "delirium tremens", a state of altered consciousness, accompanied by severe agitation, anxiety, fear or aggression, and hallucinations.
Personality changes
Regular drunkenness leads to gradual personal changes invisible to loved ones, but addiction specialists are well aware of this. Such changes include:
- Increased irritability and difficulty controlling anger;
- Weakening of the will, inability to resist cravings;
- Self-blame, guilt, and loss of self-esteem;
- Inability to take responsibility for one's actions;
- Lying to loved ones and self-deception.
Over time, an alcoholic man turns into a kind of adult child: he is not responsible for anything, he cannot control his actions, it is impossible to count on him - after all, at any moment he can get drunk, forget about agreements, spend money or even showing aggression towards loved ones: in this case it becomes dangerous. A sober alcoholic regrets his drunken actions and experiences strong feelings of guilt, self-anger, or frustration, which push him to drink alcohol again to distract himself from these negative emotions. He understands that something bad is happening, but he can't do anything. Wives of addicted husbands often say about them: "he's so good when he's sober, but when he drinks he's a different person. "
Social consequences
Usually, a drinker's relatives hide his addiction from others until the last moment. But there comes a time when it is already difficult to do this. The alcoholic does not show up to work or makes serious mistakes that lead to him or her being fired. When he is drunk, he can commit various crimes or injure himself. A person who drinks regularly gradually loses self-control and becomes very unpleasant: friends and even relatives turn away from him. Gradually, those around him begin to shun him, and his entire social circle is limited to fellow alcoholics. If this happens, it is very difficult to get out of such a vicious circle.
Mistakes that wives often make with a husband who drinks
Psychologists call wives of drinking husbands "codependent. "This term refers to relatives of drug addicts who are in close contact with them and whose psyche inevitably changes. Their behavior changes in such a way that, even against their will, it contributes to the development of alcoholism. Here are the main mistakes made by wives of alcoholics:
- Accusations. Naturally, the behavior of a drunk and the consequences of him do not please their wives. They try to influence their husbands: they scold, torment, appeal to their conscience. Therefore, they only support guilt, one of the main causes of alcoholism.
- Attempts to hide the problem from others. Very often, the wife covers for her husband in front of her relatives, makes excuses for her superiors and solves all problems on her own. Or she insists that he drink at home, locked up: he's safer.
- Supporting the drug addict's lifestyle: the wife scolds her husband, but she can help him "recover health" from a hangover, gives him money for drinking, looks for him among alcoholic friends and brings him home. She sometimes drinks with him, thinking that this way she will drink less.
- Pity for her husband and trust in his promises to stop drinking: they are never kept.
- Ignoring the problem: Because the husband is good when he doesn't drink, the wife resignedly tolerates his drunken behavior.
Often in codependent families one can observe a situation in which the wife seems to struggle with her husband's alcoholism: she shames him, tolerates him, gives him ultimatums, deprives him of money or sex and starts scandals. But at the same time, all her attempts have no effect: the husband only drinks more and more, and the wife has difficulties. But she receives a lot of sympathy from acquaintances who are aware of the situation. Compared to her husband, to those around her, such a woman seems like a great martyr, her people sympathize with her and empathize with her. She uses her husband's alcoholism to justify her own problems and failures.
What to do if your husband drinks every day: advice from psychologists and narcologists
If your husband drinks, the worst solution is to endure this problem, "carry your cross" and do nothing. Of course, a woman can always file for divorce and walk away. In addition, a drunk husband often brings more problems to the family than help, resources and money. But you can try to get rid of the addiction and save your family. Everyone who is close to an alcoholic needs to be patient - it will be difficult.
- The most important thing is to eliminate alcohol from family life. Completely and forever. Don't forget that there are no ex-alcoholics. To avoid provocations, make sure there is never alcohol in your house again.
- Most likely, the husband will not admit the problem and will not show a desire to be treated until the last minute. Sometimes, after a frightening or painful experience, a drinker wants to quit, but then their resolve weakens, until the next time. Narcologists can help you: cleanse the blood of toxins, relieve a serious physical condition, improve your well-being with the help of medications. Next, a psychotherapist should work with the addict, since psychological dependence is more difficult to overcome than physical dependence.
- It is important to establish contact. Talk to your husband, find out why he drinks. But it is not necessary for you to become a psychologist for your husband. It is better to entrust mental problems to a specialist.
- Change your environment. All alcoholic friends who drag the recovering person into their swamp should be eliminated from your life.
- Don't take it all on yourself. Don't give money to your husband, don't hide his problems in front of your relatives. Remember that you are human too. Take care of yourself, your life should not be built around a family problem.
- Don't shame a man and don't feel sorry for him. If you see that he is trying to quit, you can help him and support him in all his good efforts. But be adamant if he takes the bottle again.
Remember that it is difficult to solve the problem of alcoholism only in the family. Seek help: from narcologists, psychologists, support groups.
Traditional methods of treatment of alcoholism
All treatment methods can be divided into medicinal and psychotherapeutic.
With the help of drugs, doctors can:
- Relieve hangovers;
- Improve well-being, support the functioning of internal organs;
- Purify the blood from toxic substances: alcohol degradation products;
- Reducing the desire for alcohol consumption - the so-called substitution therapy.
Psychotherapy methods help reduce psychological dependence. These include:
- Codification: The doctor orders the addict not to drink, otherwise something bad will happen to him. Previously, the drug coding method was also popular: a special capsule was sewn under the skin of an alcoholic, which, when alcohol entered the bloodstream, released poison, leading to the patient's death.
- Classical hypnosis: the psychotherapist gives the directive not to drink or desire alcohol. This method is similar to coding, but is a little gentler, as it does not pose imminent danger to health or life if used.
- NLP, or neurolinguistic programming: the specialist uses the patient's perception channels - auditory, visual and tactile - to reinforce the desired reactions and reduce the desire for alcohol.
- Complex therapy (psychoanalysis, CBT, Gestalt approach): a psychotherapist deeply analyzes the psychological problems of the addict and indicates ways to solve them, helps to learn new ways of behavior.
Alternative medicine
Non-traditional methods of treating alcoholism include herbal remedies that cause a strong reaction in the body when used together with alcohol. For example, the dung mushroom, tasty and harmless, even with a small dose of alcohol causes severe nausea, vomiting, fever and palpitations. With prolonged use, the active ingredients of the mushroom accumulate in the body and are not completely eliminated, providing a characteristic reaction to each intake of alcohol. This method has long been used in villages to cure alcoholics from addiction.
To alleviate the painful condition of alcohol intoxication, folk remedies are also used: a decoction of mint and lemon balm, St. John's wort, bay leaf, apple cider vinegar, honey, a mixture of cabbage and pomegranate juice.
All sorts of conspiracies and slanders about water "so that the husband does not drink", prayers, reproaches against drunkenness are also used - these methods are popular among the people, but their effectiveness has not been proven.
Is it possible to force your husband to stop drinking without his consent?
Some wives, seeing that their husband will not stop drinking alcohol, try to free him from the bad habit on their own without his knowledge. For example, they add some drugs to food and drinks. This is quite dangerous and doctors do not recommend doing it.
To quit drinking, an addict must want it himself, realizing that alcoholism is destroying his health, his relationships and his life. But this doesn't happen often. Addiction changes the psyche in such a way that the alcoholic strives to never stop drinking.
However, there are things that the wife of an alcoholic can start doing at any time to make her husband stop drinking, and that depends only on her. She needs to realize her victim position and change her way of thinking. She starts to change what you don't like in life, don't tolerate what you don't like, respect yourself. Do not solve other people's problems, do not take responsibility for another adult. It is important to remember that alcoholism is not a disease, but a harmful addiction that destroys lives and families. To change yourself and start thinking about yourself more, you may need long-term work with a psychologist.
How do you know when it's time to ask a narcologist for help?
There are several characteristic signs by which one can definitely say that the addiction has gone too far and cannot be overcome without the help of a professional. These include:
- Frequent and regular use with painful hangovers;
- Lack of control over the amount of alcohol (once a man starts drinking, he can't stop);
- Drinking alone at home (drinking quietly at home can later lead to severe alcoholism);
- Lies and hidden bottles of alcohol (husband tries to hide drinking from wife);
- Binges lasting several days from which the drunkard can no longer recover on his own.
All these signs indicate the development of a dangerous stage of alcoholism, when the addict needs urgent professional help. The alcoholic's relatives must send him to treatment, otherwise his addiction will quickly develop with the most serious consequences, up to death. It is not necessary to endanger the life and health of all family members, it is better to promptly consult a doctor.